(Much of the below was gathered from this site – PsychSolve).
Self Esteem Issues
People with low self-esteem may find it harder to make decisions, because they doubt that they’ll be successful. They also find it harder to make friends, because they’re shy or they don’t think other people will like them. In addition, people with low self-esteem frequently stay away from situations in which they might be judged, so they avoid challenges or trying new things, especially when other people are around.
Challenge Cognitive Distortions
Cognitive distortions are unhelpful thinking styles that often cause people to make automatic judgments about themselves, others, and the world. For example, overgeneralizing involves making broad negative conclusions about life based on limited situations, and minimizing and maximizing involve discounting the positive and enlarging the negative aspects of life. Another cognitive distortion is mind reading, where people assume they know what others are thinking about them. All of these cognitive distortions need to be successfully challenged in order to remove the power of the self-critic.
Challenge Core Beliefs
As the work on challenging cognitive distortions continues, people usually begin to notice common themes among their thoughts. These themes often point to deeper, more firmly entrenched core beliefs about one’s self that make a person more vulnerable to low self-esteem. These core beliefs, often called schemas, include thoughts like “I’m a failure,” “I’m worthless,” and “I’m unlovable.” When these core beliefs are encountered, they too need to be challenged and modified
Negative Schemas
Most often, negative schemas develop at an early age. Children hold beliefs about themselves that they learn from their parents and other adults. For example, children who hear judgmental messages such as “You’re lazy” or “You’re stupid” will begin to think that these things are true and grow up to be adults who think they are lazy, stupid, or generally incompetent.
Similarly, children who are abused, mistreated, or criticized often think they’ve done something sufficiently bad to deserve their mistreatment—regardless of the fact that none of these unkind comments or actions is deserved. Nevertheless, these children often think poorly of themselves as a result, and may develop the belief that everyone will mistreat them. As adults, these same people continue to think poorly of themselves and their negative schemas continue to grow stronger. Sadly, if left untreated, negative schemas don’t change very much throughout life; instead, they continue to be harmful to the person’s self-esteem and relationships.
A Few Examples of Negative Schemas (I chose ones that fit my family dynamic as examples)
Social isolation or alienation. People with this schema believe that they are so different from everyone else in the world that they will never be able to fit in or be accepted.
Dependence or incompetence. People with this schema believe that they are incapable or not smart enough to do anything without great assistance from other people.
Failure. People with this schema believe that they have never succeeded, nor can they ever succeed, no matter what the task.
Approval seeking or recognition seeking. People with this schema are constantly trying to gain the appreciation and support of others. As a result, they fail to develop a sense of valid self-worth, because all of their value is dependent on what other people think of them.
Negativity or pessimism. People with this schema only pay attention to the sad and difficult parts of life, such as troubles, grief, pain, destruction, and the loss of life. They also fail to see, or purposely ignore, anything good that might be taking place; plus, they usually expect that the worst will happen.
Emotional inhibition. People with this schema stop themselves from saying, doing, or feeling certain things that that they fear might bother or offend someone else. In essence, they “stuff” all of their true feelings and opinions to satisfy other people.
HOW TO MAKE IT BETTER
Many people’s schemas have existed since they were children. Therefore, an important part of the CBT treatment (Cognitive behavioral therapy) for schema-focused relationship problems is to look for evidence throughout a person’s life that both supports and refutes the truth of the schema. It’s often easier for people to remember events that support a negative schema, so it can take more work to think of events that refute the schema. For example, if a man had a schema of incompetence, it might be easier for him to think of things that he messed up or did incorrectly than things that he did correctly or even perfectly. But by remembering these other events and the evidence they provide to refute the schema, the schema begins to loosen its hold on the person’s life. The schema can’t be 100 percent true if contrary evidence exists.
What I take from this
It takes a lot of work and self examination to confront negative schema and move in a more productive direction but it’s worth it. Walking around with a chip on your shoulder is a great burden and it only drags you down. I am happy to be empowered with the knowledge that I have the tools to help myself and I don’t have to blame other people for my anxiety and frustration in life.
“Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” ~Aristotle